The proverb “Nothing is certain but death and taxes” appeared in the 1700s and has remained mostly true today.

You still can’t avoid death and taxes but I’m convinced you also can’t avoid junk phone calls. Heaven knows, I’ve tried.

This is not a life-threatening situation, just damn annoying. Each day I get between 15 and 30 calls on my cell phone from people who want me to buy something — or take advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that is honestly too good to be true. Virtually all of these people are running a scam.

Many of the calls come from robots with enough AI to ask me a few questions and then connect me with a real, live human being who is determined to close the deal. Usually the human beings have accents that suggest they aren’t locals, although most of the calls originate in my area code — or so the caller ID suggests.

The priceless opportunities I have been offered include:

— Help in paying off my student loans. (At my age, even had I ever taken out loans, they would have been paid off long ago.)
— A discount to pay for my final burial expenses. (I hope not to need help and in any event, it won’t be my problem.)
— Special additions to my Medicare plan. (Frankly, I have all the help in this area I can stand.)
— A discount to put a new roof on my house. (The roof will need replacing in a few years and I’m unlikely to hire some guy who calls me out of the blue.)
— A buy who just happens to be painting houses in my neighborhood and could to mine while he is nearby. (I have a brick house.)
— The cheapest auto insurance in the history of the world. (I’m retired and already have many discounts from someone who has been taking care of me for decades.)
–People who want to update my personal information for government or medical agencies. (Sure, we just need your social security number or a major credit card — perfectly secure.)
— The sketchy sounding guy who wants to make sure I don’t miss out on my winnings from the Lotto, casino, or Irish Sweepstakes. (Saints are born every day.)

Just to be clear, I don’t actually talk to all these people — at least not more than once. I have tried blocking the numbers on my phone, listing my number with the national no-call database, and reporting numbers from especially annoying organizations. I do give money to a number of charities… but I contact them and don’t give a credit card out on the phone.

I occasionally take a call and ask the caller to be placed on their no-call list. Either this is useless or there is a multitude of companies trying to sell me the same tax forgiveness program. I find those calls especially interesting because they always say their records show I owe a huge amount in back taxes, which my records don’t show and the IRS hasn’t claimed.

I confess that I have on several occasions resorted to somewhat sophomoric methods in dealing with these calls. For example, I might tell someone who wants to help me with my lotto winnings to just put cash in a bag and leave it at the local police station for me to pick up. I’ve learned that if I say I’m older than 80 nobody wants to sell me life insurance.

I’ve been known to snore into the phone or blow my police whistle. Nothing stops the insidious robo-callers who are determined to rip me off.

You would think some politician would see stopping these calls as a winning political strategy. Millions of voters would appreciate their effort to bring peace to phone users.

Unfortunately, living in Illinois, I assume all the politicians have been paid off or are getting a cut of the profits from the calls. And they are too busy promoting their pet projects: raising taxes, promoting abortion, expanding drug use, and persecuting home schoolers.

But there might be some clever politician who sees these callers as a source of new taxes. That is one tax I might support; I might even vote for a Democrat.