One Size Fits None

1024px-Rainbow-gradient-fully-saturated.svgThe California legislation is pondering a bill that would prohibit department stores from displaying merchandise for boys and girls in different aisles.

The law would require all clothes and toys to be gender-neutral, clearly, a tip of the hat to the movement aimed to ensure that nobody influences a child to believe they are male or female.

After all, what right have you or I to look at a child and call it a boy or girl? And if every child is kept in a state of confusion it gives adults a good excuse for their own confusion.

Frankly, when I first read about this I was furious. But the more I think about it, the more I realize the legislation doesn’t go far enough. There is so much more in our inconsistent culture that must be set straight. Without correction we risk preserving a world in which there are both men and women.

To address the shortcomings of the legislation I offer the following amendments:

  1. The uniformity in merchandise should not be only for children but for people of all ages. We can’t put all the pressure for reform on the little ones.
  2. There will be one aisle of clothing in each store that will feature a rainbow jumpsuit that comes in a single “one size fits all”. (I realize the suit will be too big for some people and too small for others but that is just something we have to put up with until genetic engineering can create a population in which every person is the same size, shape, and ambiguous gender.)
  3. Regarding what is worn under the jumpsuits: don’t ask don’t tell.
  4. Shoes are banned. We can’t apply the “one size fits all” rule here without generating millions of bunions and blisters. Thus, everyone will go barefoot.
    1. The barefoot idea comes from my son’s description of a philosophy professor he met in college. She went barefoot all year round, rain, shine or snow. She said it helped her maintain closer contact with Mother Earth.
    2. I recognize this will be a serious problem for the National Hockey League but we all have to adapt and sacrifice to make the world a bland but consistent wasteland.
  5. The gender-control of toys also will apply to adult toys, namely cars, airplanes, and boats.
    1. All car owners must drive a black sedan with dull gray interior. (This will have Henry Ford jumping for joy in his grave.) We can’t have, for example, a woman driving around in a pink car setting a gender-specific example for the next generation. And we can’t have men driving around in anything built by Dodge. Die muscle car, die.
    2. All airplanes will be painted dull gray. Passengers will be indistinguishable from the flight crew because everyone will be wearing a rainbow jumpsuit. So… it will be important to check IDs before letting people into the cockpit.
    3. All boat names will be removed and each boat will be labeled with the owner’s Social Security Number. We can’t have people sailing around with gender-screaming names like “Daddy’s Favorite” or “Sweet Loraine”.

I know some readers will react to my proposed amendments with the rage I felt when I first read about the legislation. Do not be afraid. Change is hard, but we can do this.

One size can fit all. Or none.

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